The never-ending battle for a new air conditioner enters its third summer, for two long summers we have fought, cried, jumped, thrown tantrums and done everything possible to get a new ac for the office but it hasn’t worked.

For those who are thinking what’s the big deal? Picture this, the never ending Delhi summer, where temperatures range between 43- 50 deg C, add to that a large room with no windows and ventilation, 20 computers and at least 15 people all breathing and letting out heat and you find your self stuck in a sauna from hell.

Summers have come and summers have gone, people here have all at some point fallen ill, but the ac has never been replaced.
Finally this year things look just a wee bit bright, I have been informed that the boss has finally sanctioned the purchase of a new ac (even though it’s a measly 2 ton,and what we need is at least need a 4 ton ac for this office) but this joy I am sure will be short lived and the reasons are stated as under.

First and foremost the super inefficient admin staff has been asked to collect quotations for the purchase of a new ac, a week shall pass before any quotations shall be received and passed on to the boss, and knowing the boss she shall and will rubbish them straight away citing costs and over priced products. So ten days from now we will be at square one.

Day 11- new quotations shall be summoned for, there will be constant bargain deals stuck with some poor dealer who will finally relent and give a discount of 500 rupees, at least 3-4 days shall pass in the process

Day 14- new quotations shall be handed over to the boss, now the success of the ac instillation shall depend entirely on the boss and her whimsical moods ( which are as unpredictable as the english summer and the incessant rain in Hamilton). This is where the question of timing comes up, the key being the time when the boss is handed over the quotation. For instance if the quotation is handed at 10 am while she is on her way to court then we can consider the never bought ac as history, similarly if the quotation is handed at some point in the evening, when she is tired and sick of all of us, the results will be same. As I mentioned earlier, the timing is CRUCIAL, the window of opportunity needs to be exploited.

Hypothetically lets imagine, that the afore mentioned window of opportunity was exploited and finally the boss does accept the quotation, but that’s just the beginning of the problems galore, the same are pointed out as under

First and foremost, 16 days have lapsed, the heat has just gone over the top, Delhi has begun to boil and people have already started to melt, Secondly, as per the information received from the admin staff, to have successful air conditioning in the office, it is imperative that the entire wiring of the office is replaced.

So here is the problem, Day 16 has come and gone and the admin is still mulling over finding a suitable electrician to replace the wiring.

Day 17 has dawned and finally a consensus has been reached on who the suitable electrician would be (the criteria for selection unfortunately is not the capability of the said electrician but the low cost that the electrician has to offer).

Day 18- the Electrician has been summoned, who cites ill health of a distant cousin and informs the admin that he will only be available after 4 days

Day 22- (Delhi is getting hotter)- the Electrician Mr. X finally shows up, brilliant, people jump with joy, and someone even smokes a cig to celebrate. The electrician after much examination provides a quotation, which would include the complete costs for the replacement of the wiring.

Day 23- (Always keep in mind the window of opportunity)- the said quotation is passed onto the boss, who throws a fit and rejects the quotation for reasons of excessive pricing.

Day 24- Mr. X is informed to cut the costs, he reverts back saying he would and could think about it and get back

Day 26- Mr. X informs the admin that he could cut the price by 2%, and the same is communicated to the boss who says that she wants the new quotation in writing ONLY, the admin head is admonished for approaching the boss with an oral quotation, which Mr. X informs can only be provided in a day or two

Day 28- Mr. X’s new quotation finally arrives, the window of opportunity is not exploited and thus the new quotation is rejected forthwith. Further Mr X is accused of being a over priced thief who wants to exploit a poor NGO through his over the top prices.

Day 29- the search for a new electrician has begun, in the meanwhile Mr. X has informed all the electricians that there is no point doing business with a bunch of measly wankers, so no electrician is found for sometime to come.

Day 30- 45- finally and after much ado an Electrician Mr. Y( who is unearthed from the anals of Old Delhi) is found and convinced to do the job for a price which is acceptable to the boss.

Note on Mr Y- He is 74, his father and his father's father were all electricians,( it is even believed that his grand father, and this is before someone discovered electricity was repairing candles and oil lamps for Bahadur Shah Zafar, the erstwhile Mughal Emperor of Delhi), he owns a wee, run down shop in one of the lanes of old delhi, the last time he undertook a job of this magnitude, he was 45 and expecting his 8th child. In the interim, his children joined his family business ( read wee shop) and left citing father's insanity and senile behavior. Since 2006 Mr Y has successfully replaced 4 tube lights and 5 light bulbs in Jama Masjid and failed at repairing someone's switch board. Mr Y spends most of his days holed up in his shop sitting in front a fan that doesnt work and drinking corpus amounts of tea which is replaced by corpus amounts of alchohol in the evening. On most days Mr Y is found passed out on a mat while wee flies make his body their airport and landing pads. However Mr Y is still sexually active,( you must wonder why this piece of information is necessary- for the answer to the same read on)

Day 46-Cheques are prepared for the purchase of the Ac's

Day 47- the boss refuses to sign them, as she is too busy, one of the members of the admin is pretty much killed as he tried getting those cheques signed while the boss was reading about her self in the newspaper.

Day 48- the cheques are finally signed while the boss is rushing to the airport

Day 50 – the bank calls to inform the cheques have not been en-cashed, as the signatures on the cheques didn’t match the ones on their records.

Day 51- there is a small rebellion in office, as the temperatures touch 44 and 4 people go down with the heat flu.

Day 51- new cheques are prepared and couriered to Bombay

Day 53- the new cheques arrive at Bombay, the boss blows her lid off, saying she won’t sign them again, and she would sue the bank and fire the entire admin staff, a direct result of this outburst is a few phone calls made to the Delhi office where everyone is summoned to the phone and blasted for not meeting non existent deadlines.

Day 53 evening, the boss is finally convinced ( after much begging and pleading) to sign the new cheques ,which she does after blasting her lid off and giving everyone more work than they can handle.

Day 54- the cheques are couriered back to Delhi

Day 55- Cheques are cleared-

Day 56- 60 – the office leaves for its annual retreat, the electrician is sent back as there is no one in office to supervise his work

Day 61 The Ac is purchased, massive celebrations, a coconut is bought and broken (in typical Indian Tradition), and there is a wee puja as well.

Day 62 The Ac's in their new boxes rot at the back of the office as Mr Y has gone back to his village to meet his wife who is expecting his 13th child

Day 63 - 67- riots break out in office, the sense of uprising is paramount, the boss to crush the rebellion burdens everyone with more work and out of office duties, which entail visiting all offices in Delhi which don’t have an ac

Day 68- 71- Mr Y finally arrives and the work starts, people work in candle-lights to ensure that all the wiring is changed

Day 72- it’s all done- the new ac is installed, it works it works it works, cries of joy

Day 74-without any prior warning and coupled with a big bang the new wiring develops a fault, causes a short circuit, and burns half the office down including the new ac. Three people are injured, the fire could have been doused but the fire extinguisher didn't work and the sand used to douse the fire was least effective. The boss throws a fit and blames the staff for rushing the admin and her towards installing a new ac. To teach everyone a lesson, more work is handed out and deadlines are set which cannot be met.

Life has come back a full circle we are all screwed and lo behold the summer is over