Wednesday, August 30, 2006

A homeless man’s cry for help. 找9月初可入住的房
Part One


28th August 2006

Woke up this morning bathed in cold sweat.. hands shaking and my mind wandering… images of me sitting outside a Tesco with a wee card board round my neck that read POOR ASIAN HOMELESS MAN.... SPARE SOME CHANGE FOR FOOD AND RENT.. flashed through my hung over yet deranged mind ( am closing in on the worlds longest lasting hangover.. am on 63 hours, got another 28 to go though).

Having being stood up AGAIN ( I never learn do I .. the whole fuckin world does that to me .. but no, I refuse to learn… I hope that SOB ex flat mate of mine burns in the deepest darkest ebbs of hell) by a close friend I suddenly found my self running out of options, the whole of last month was spent nerding and oding on law, which entailed that I had no time to go house hunting, so here I was this morning, almost homeless (83 hours to deadline) and paranoid.

Options… I had a few… my tent... my ol’ trusted tent and me could move to the Highlands where I could freeze to death… or I could… hmmm just sit outside a Tesco with that board and wait for a beautiful Scottish woman( really there aren’t any.. Angie... don’t worry ya a quasi Scott) to take me home.( knowing my luck I was sure it was going to be a hairy gay man… ) thus weighing the pros and cons ( frozen to death or a hairy gay man fantasizing about me).. I decided they just weren’t worth it and I had to come up with a plan B.

Frantic… I got online… logged onto to one of those sites built to help guys like me (homeless and lazy)... and lo behold!!!… found two flats that seemed decent enough and more importantly affordable.
The first one was to be shared with a film maker and the other with a gay dude ,

The next ten minutes were spent on a borrowed phone, (I still aint got no credit in that shit they call my phone…now ya know people, why I never text back or bother calling) and I had my self two appointments. 1 pm with the film maker and 8 pm (hmm what was he thinking... a date?) with the gay dude.

After having studied the details of the said houses it only seemed pertinent that the gay dudes home seemed like a more favorable option , not like I am gay... or want to be one ( though some of ya might think I am almost there, especially with the hair band... and Dave and Viviane I aint pitching or catching so lets not even go there).. it’s just that the house seemed to rock.. had everything I needed and more, plus all gay men have hot women friends, so this suddenly seemed like an option I didn’t wanna miss out on.

The rest of the morning was spent talking to people about my dire condition of homelessness and discussing the options at hand.

I left home at noon.. all set to reach the Gorbals and meet the film maker and see the first house. Now, the Gorbals… well was once considered to be the most dangerous area in UK,( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gorbals ) unemployment and poverty had drowned it in a sea of crime, but I didn’t care a flying fuck…. I was old enough to handle myself and having lived a year in Wadarwadi( the crime capital of Pune) where fights, a couple of stabbings here and there and domestic squabbles ( my personal favorites) were the call of the day, I was sure the Gorbals was nothing compared to the hell back in Pune, and for crying out loud after living all my life surrounded by crime this had to be a joke right? ( damn I was just convincing my self wasn’t i???)

I was in the Gorbals by half 12 and was a wee lost( nothing new about that.. i sometimes get lost in my own room), my almost out of control hair looked like an over grown bush of weed, I was surrounded by newly constructed buildings which looked a wee odd and totally out of place , it seemed more like the city Council’s hasty attempt to bury all the filth and the crime that surrounded or connected it self with the place. There were scary NEDs( Non educated delinquents) all around me.. staring at me like I was fly on their food, ( I so wanted to fade to white and have a Celtics Tee on), right about then a car pulled up to me… Was Mehak going to be stabbed? Was he going to be kidnapped and raped my the NEDs….. read on……….

As I stood there…the car came to shrieking halt… barely missing me by a couple of inches, I was pretty sure this was the end, all my dreams of getting killed in Africa while on a secret UN mission seemed to be going up in smoke

Out jumped three NEDs…towering over my wee frame, “ Mate…want a beer mate?” (what!!!!) "Ya want a fuckin beer mate?"... like really, that’s just what I wanted… bloody drunk imbeciles ( look who is talking) I just smiled and walked away( thank god I can still get killed in Africa).. I was still alive but suddenly i wasn’t so sure about this neighborhood, no one back in Wadarwadi ever offered me beer.

It seemed centuries before I found the house and met the film maker, it wasn’t all that bad, the room was small and looked more like a match box, but I was desperate and could have settled for it …. I walked out of that house with the gay dudes house on my mind ( people trust me it was just the house)… the king size bed… the DVD player , the flat screen TV… the works… and all at an affordable price.. but there had to be a catch to it… Naaa… I was just being paranoid.

Came back home to be greeted by Captain Pink( who is still writing his dissertation at my place and now a victim to the common yet deadly cold.) and a whole hoard of emails warning me about moving to the Gorbals, apparently it was the murder capital of Glasgow and some of my worried friends wanted to know my new address so that they could send flowers at my funeral ( how sweet of ya guys)

I took a train to Govan at 8 in the evening, the sun was slowly but surely going down and the evening breeze had a fresh nip to it, locating the flat wasn’t an issue and soon I found my self staring at a lounge right out of one of those catalogues ya look at and go.. hmmm.. wow…I want that place, it was stunning, immaculately clean and just to my taste, nothing too loud with the right lights in all the right places ( right maybe I was turning gay.. maybe for a house like this turning gay would not be such a bad idea)

We shook hands( trust me just the hands), and sat on his expensive leather couch, he sat facing me in his silk night robe ( damn !! I hadn’t noticed it till then.. and now this was spooking me out).

The music was just right ( did I just write that??)… we talked about the house.. the offer seemed awesome and I was all set to say yes ( to the house but of course) and pay the wee deposit, till he dropped the bombshell… and hell yeah it was a bombshell aright… “ Mayhaak( they can never get my name right) I hope ya don’t mind the fact that I am a nudist”… WHAT THE FAAAA??? “ I really hope you will be comfortable with me walking around the house in the nude…( silence… long painful silence). I think my jaw fell at some point and my face turned white… images… through my head…. NOOO STOP… ERASE… PLEASEEE.

I ran… and I ran.. and I ran.. and I ran straight home( actually I took the train )… no ways was I moving in with that weirdo… no ways was I gonna wake up to naked man reading his news paper while sipping his coffee… and no way in hell was I going to bed after having a meal with a naked man…. ( I know I am desperate.. but hells yeah it aint that bad…Highlands here I come......

To be Contd......

Saturday, August 26, 2006

New First Class Travel for Asians

NUDITY IS GOOD…aright don’t get me wrong here I am not really a kinky pervert as it might seem to suggest from the opening few words, but well, for all Asians out there get used to it, coz the way things are turning out to be, that day aint too far when all you guys flying across the world would be forced to fly in the buff.

Racial profiling has taken a new meaning especially after the farce of a scare on the 10th of August. Every brown skinned bearded traveler is a victim of unnecessary harassment, subjected to suspicious looks, quasi torture of being pulled up and aside, subjected to humiliation and sometimes even being strip searched. It’s actually a crime now.. ‘Traveling as an Asian’ but its fun, I mean how often are ya allowed or forced to travel naked,( dream come true for all those nudists out there.. no need to fly to the land down under i.e. Bondi beach in search of that perfect nudist beach… just get on to an American or European airlines ) generally under the existing laws that would be a crime but, maybe soon enough it would be the call of the day.

That’s one way of looking at things, the other obvious outcome would be special cages at the back of airplanes for Asians, and wouldn’t it be swell to be locked up in the buff.
But before these new rules are implemented on all European and American airlines here are a few suggestions for a safe flight

1. Shave… even women….shave…no beards.. actually no hair… get an appointment with ya friendly neighborhood barber.. get rid of it all

2. Don’t carry mobile phones and in case ya are stupid enough to carry one don’t use it or better still don’t pretend ya don’t know how to use one.

3. Thirst is good… DO NOT drink water, carry water or any liquid on ya..its better dying of dehydration than at the hands of an anti terrorist squad

4. Treat air crew with respect, infact get on ya knees before ya board the plane and beg for forgiveness and convince them ya are a bald innocent harmless brownie.

5. Do not talk to anyone once on board especially if the person sitting right next to ya is a mad fuckin paranoid white. You never know how they construe your words and get convinced that ya are a terrorist out to blow the plane

6. NEVER shout or even utter the word JEHAD at the airport or on board

7. Wear a T shirt that says WHITE IS RIGHT

8. Don’t travel in big groups, in case there is a big group please divide yourselves and take separate flights

9. If ya are getting a heart attack on board pretend you are not getting one ( take acting lessons if ya have to)..just sit back and wait for the plane to land, I am sure ya wouldn’t want a few air marshals jumping onto ya and strangling ya to death not while ya are getting a heart attack

10. For those who have never seen an F-16 in action get to Schipol airport and once on board and after the plane has taken off Shout I LOVE OSAMA. You my friend would get ya own special F-16 Escort to hell.

11. Wear only western clothes, nothing too flashy but a tee and a pair of levis would suffice, stay away from ya traditional dresses, women in burqas get used to traveling without them( I am sure its better than traveling in the buff)

12. Treat the air crew with utter respect, on being served ya shitty meal touch their feet and don’t forget to thank them 43 times and never ever ask for a second portion of anything.( it might be construed as the last heavy meal of a suicide bomber)

13. If possible fade a bit, get rid of your color, use talcum powder, bleach anything to make you less brown

14. Wear a cross across your neck, Maybe Jesus will save you, the Prophet and all the Indian Gods don’t seem to be doing a great job, and once you have that cross round ya neck, don’t stop shouting HALLELUJAH

15. And if possible overlook point 11 and just travel in your underwear, will save you all the embarrassment of being searched and subjected to a white man’s paranoia


Right so here we go… your 15 point doctrine to a safe flight, be sure to print a copy of the same and carry it with ya at all times and yes enjoy your new first class travel as an Asian
The Second Coming ..... Awesaliciousfuckingsome.!!!!

So here I am… hung the fuck over after a night of debauchery( 34 hours of non stop drinking) and trust me for the first time in my life the hang over doesn’t feel all that bad… it’s a freedom ( a relative concept) construed in a twisted perspective. But hey I am not complaining… I am just glad the hell is almost over…I mean really ….I have said this before and it feels pertinent to state it again, exams are like crimes against humanity and as stated by William Schabas the definition of the said crime just implies to what a human being has to suffer and endure during an exam.
To start with, the mental stress and add to that the health hazards that seems to entwine itself around your existence during those hellish days. A friend of mine in Brisbane even suggested a special health insurance just for the exams, and I really wish I had that insurance in a retrospective perspective and I can prove the same.

It all started around a month back (right after summer school) when I actually got down to studying ( and I hated it, every bit of it) now apart from being confined to my room and being stuck with books which had an adverse affect to my general well being and especially my already screwed eyes, coupled with my constant migraines, I managed to burn my self 6 times… ya don’t be shocked, 6 fuckin times… and the pain was unimaginable. Now ya must be wondering, what the hell.. how does someone burn him self six times… well really it’s the exams… a constant( yet evil) distraction, where once while reading the aspects of retributive justice( the functioning of the ad hoc tribunals) and cooking my self some baked beans (well cant really call opening a can of the same and heating them in a pan as cooking but what the hell I am construing it liberally) I somewhere during this audacious task I happened to drop hot boiling beans on my foot.. Ouch…trust me I spent the next hour with my foot stuck under the cold shower( now now don’t construe the cold shower bit liberally… just a literal construction of the same would suffice).

If you think that was bad well read on… 4 days before my first exam I was at my study and going over the affects of Globalization( fuck it really) when I passed out with a cig in my hand, now you don’t need to be a member of MENSA to figure out what happened next.. But it was painful as hell (the scar looks cool though) and last but not the least…. When under the affects of excessive education I happened to spill hot boiling oil on my forearm, trust me that was the worse… and this time the scars were ugly….now only if I had medical insurance I would at least be a lill richer ( more money for alcohol and cig’s)

Despite all this I am still alive and it only seems pertinent to acknowledge the support of a few spread across the globe, coz without them I would never have been able to write those exams or be alive.

A special thanks to my conservative right winger classmate Shane…(captain pink) who kept me company during those longs hours of revision and even tolerated my few but frequent tantrums.(and those pink shirts….my only source of color)

To Divya( my pillar of support) who kept me company on line when everyone else would give up and walk out on me (a big hug)

To Melissa who sent me music all the way from Brisbane (bloody pirate) and kept me alive and awake. (zank you) and also for suggesting the right conditioner for my out of control hair…

To Karin the Dutch queen ( btw I hated what ya paranoid Dutch did to the Indian passengers aboard NWA 42.. ya guys are losing it) … loved the Cd… and even the discussion on the comparative paradigm of international and internal conflicts in regards to international criminal laws
.
To Zareen…who would crib to me about her existence and make me feel less bad about mine… very thought full and helpful to say the least…. Owe ya one girl.

To Atif my deranged flat mate, who would forget to wake me up at all odd hours, without ya my friend I would have had more time to study which would entail more hours of living through stress. And even for those cigs ya rolled for me while ya sat there and rolled ya self some 'happy' joints...

To Angela… thanks for the notes( they rock by the way), the support, your paper on restorative justice I hope ya know I almost quoted you in the exams…. And last but not the least for introducing me to the ‘hit the penguin game’…perfect way of letting out all the vent up frustration

To Manasi who introduced me to the art of Bhuddism…almost attaining nirvana now girl… world peace and all that jazz…

To my neighbors for lending me cigs at all odd hours ( I know I promised to buy them back.. but ya know what? Dream on I ain’t buying you guys shit)

To my ex girlfriend for providing me with the motivation to do really well and for making me realize that nothing or no one is worth it… love the new fuck the world attitude….ya made me see the light…( remember the tunnel ya used to talk about, quote 'shove it where the sun dont shine' unquote)

To my friends on orkut…. Kevin, Kashu, Kirti Ruhi… thanks for all those encouraging scraps

To the creators of stick cricket on http://www.stickcricket.com/ , you guys need to be made presidents

To Mr. Singh, my bank manager back in India for reminding about the educational loan that needs to be paid back.

To my mum for all those threats of disowning me in case I didn’t do well, (kept me on my toes)

To Ayushi, for calling me an hour before the exams thus keeping the tradition started in 99 alive..

To all those bagpipe players outside my window for finally shutting the fuck up… BASTARDS!!!( maybe that’s why the English wanted to wipe out the bloody Scots)

To Pearl Jam and Eddie Vedder for singing Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Village ( heard it 296 times on repeat over two days)

To Dave and Viviane for the life saving mail just before I was ready to give up all and jump off the window.

To Tanuja for those arbid texts 20 mins before my papers ( we still need to discuss that though)

And finally a big hug to all my friends who woke me up on gtalk at all odd hours.. Prachi, Divya, Melissa, Zareen, Sid, Aheli ( Atif learn something ya bloody imbecile )…. All you guys rock….thanks a zillion.

All said and done I wish this was the end.. but now I have my dissertation to write and with Captain Pink off to the US… I would be needing extra support from the rest soo be prepared for more calls, scraps and more cribbing… and yeah do keep checking this site for more posts…..

Friday, August 11, 2006

8/10…..Almost…. BUT…

Another averted disaster?…’mass murder’ prevented?… or maybe not…. The unfolding of today’s events in more ways than one makes me sit back and ponder. To start with I don’t want to be categorized as conspiracy theorist and I seriously do hope that as reported today the threats posed were real and the aversion of the same has genuinely saved thousands of lives and that being the case I am as glad as anyone else that innocent blood wasn’t spilled.

But I can’t help but think of this in a broader perspective and maybe the same is the wrong way of going about it, but I am forced not to look at this in isolation. My issue finds its seeds in the statements made by G.W. Bush this evening… categorically stating ‘ARRESTS SHOW WE ARE AT WAR’. http://www.cnn.com/

But is America really at war even if these threats were real and imminent... and really where is the proof or the credibility of the arrests and the high handed claims made by MI 5, if what the security services claim is true, then this is one of the most innovative plots I’ve heard about in years, nitrogen based liquid explosive in individual bottles of "water"

Yes I agree it is quite possible, it’s a technique the Palestinians used to get passed Israeli checkpoints without setting off bomb sensors but just because something is possible doesn't mean it occurred.

… I am sure a lot will argue that well it is possible to foil a plan like this and I am sure this argument does hold ground, but just construing this situation liberally and going by the past events especially 9/11 , 7/7, the Madrid bombings and the follow up statements of Bush I do have my doubts about the credibility of the claims made of foiling a terrorist attack..

As mentioned earlier under the UN Charter the Security Council (SC) is the only body that can authorize the use of force which entails that the unilateral use of force under international law( America's toilet paper) is banned, the only exception to the same is envisaged under Article 51 which authorizes Member States to use force unilaterally without SC authorization under the pretext of self defense.

Taking the existing conflict in Lebanon into pretext where it has been alleged that the sole supplier of arms to Hezbollah is Iran, who are branded as a terrorist organization, all the US is looking for is a reason to enter the Persian Gulf and eventually threaten, pressurize or attack Iran under the pretext of pre emptive self defense ( just to foil there nuclear program which as all know has been a major thorn in the American’s back side) which though is still not an established norm but a developing one and lacks opinio juris but still has the characteristics of a developing opinio iuris.

For those not aware of the collective security system here is a brief analysis of the same.

The sole authorization for the use of force as mentioned earlier lies with the SC, and for any resolution in regards( authorization of force) to the same an affirmative vote from the all the permanent members of the SC ( the P5) is a per requisite . A negative vote from any of the P5 members is categorized as a veto and thus results in no resolution being passed or simply the lack of a decision on the part of the SC.( The cold war era was plagued by these vetos).

Keeping these facts in mind it must be made clear that the SC with China as a P5 member will never be able to authorize the use of force against Iran, coz countries like China and even Russia are sure to veto the same and hence there will be a serious lack of legality in case the US does decide to use force against a country like Iran, especially if force is used without the required SC authorization. It must at this juncture be pointed out that the US had used two grounds to attack Iraq recently and one of those were, pre emptive self defense, the presence of alleged WMD’s was considered as an imminent and potential threat and thus the use of force in that pretext against Iraq could be justified.

Keeping the same analogy ( pre emptive self defense) in mind, today’s actions and statements made by Bush can justify ( at least to a certain extent) the use of force against Iran or any country harboring alleged terrorists without SC resolution.

Furthestill all arrests made today have been of Pakistani nationals and trust me this is not coming from the fact that I am an Indian, but from the basic fact that if over and over again, it has been shown and proven that Pakistan has and will not only continue to harbor terrorists but will also be a safe haven for them, under those circumstances why does not the US then declare them a terrorist state and take action against them. The answer to the same is that it does not serve the American purpose as Pakistan is a stronghold point strategically especially keeping in mind the geographical proximity to Afghanistan and China. Thus it can to a certain extent be logically concluded that this is not really a war against terrorism but a war against those who go against the American interests.

Now I am sure this bog is being monitored and most are mocking the absurdity of my claims( which aren’t really claims), and I really do hope these quasi claims are/ were absurd and the terrorist threats were real and imminent and thousands of lives were saved... coz if there is any credibility to what I have to muse over then maybe just maybe today's decpetion was a tip of the iceberg that’s gonna freeze the world over …………..

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Jehad Against Education...

Well everyone has battles to fight.. wars to wage.. I have mine right now… my exams ….the danger and threat of which looms large .. I refer to it as my jehad against education… if all goes well, they shall be my last exams ever… and I cant wait to get them over with..

I hope I will survive this battle and be back by the end of August to muse over what ever is left of my fragmented mind. Till then keep visiting my blog and pray that I can win this jehad…

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The Vicious Circle of Perversity…

Well... it’s a strange state of mind I find my self in... maybe it’s a negative perspective... or maybe I am just being a complete cynic... but these are thoughts which have plagued me for the longest time and the current developments on the world scenario make me sit back and ponder over the same for hours at end.

Well to start this analogy it only seems fair to mention about doctors, we all refer to medicine as being a noble profession and I am not attempting to challenge this viewpoint at any point of this discussion but, is it really all that noble? I mean what do doctors survive on? People falling sick, dying and if that ever stops happening (which I am sure it never will)... how will doctors earn their bread? Really think about, don’t then doctors somewhere along the line hope or sometimes even pray for people falling sick?( I am sure most will disagree with me on this) Isn’t that a wee bit perverse especially in the context of the same being referred to as a noble profession?
Strange don’t you think… the same person treating you was actually hoping for you to fall sick… but it doesn’t end there…that’s just the beginning of a vicious circle this world finds itself being a victim to. Criminal Lawyers…along the some comparative perspective sure hope for more people to commit crimes, which would entail them earning their bread and I am sure to vouch for that, the time ( a few years back )when my practice had gone down I used to wonder why aren’t people committing crimes and why aren’t they being caught. Maybe it was just me... maybe I am evil… but at the same time I can vouch for a lot of colleagues who thought along the same lines.

Frankly all of us in some way perverse way hope for the worse for others and survive on the same. The world survives on the miseries of others. We can look at the current humanitarian laws and mechanisms aimed at the protection of human rights, and these would include NGO’s, Governments and even the UN, they all survive on the miseries people have to go through. I mean it would be hard to imagine NGO’s working and making money in the Andaman’s if the Tsunami hadn’t struck the islands and killed millions. If that being the case the number of people employed to work for them would have been looking for alternative employment opportunities. Don’t get me wrong here, I am sure most if not all agencies working in affected areas did provide humanitarian aid (that being a debatable issue especially keeping in mind that most NGO’s bought every affected family a boat instead of providing them with food or working on the development of infrastructure as the budgetary year ending was close and expenditures had to be shown to the funders…but this is not a critical view on the working of NGO’s so we shall leave this as an open ended piece of information), but at the same time, they would have never been able to work in those areas and people would have never been able to make money had the Tsunami not destroyed most of the islands mentioned above.

This just being the tip of the iceberg of how this world thrives on the miseries of the others, now just for a few minutes lets shift our focus to the other disasters that could have been avoided or those which didn’t entail the fury of nature thus making them avoidable. Ever thought why civil wars across many African and South east Asian countries still burn bright? The simple answer to the same is the never ending supply and market for weapons. Logically if there didn’t exist a cheap supply for the above mentioned arms so used in these conflicts the numbers of lives thus lost would be far less and the inaccessibility of the same would have made the fighting of these wars impossible and economically unviable , doesn’t that then entail that these wars are nothing but an outcome of the greed of a few who run the arms trade, and this is just the beginning of this bloody viscous cycle. Once a war runs its course, the UN and other agencies rush in to provide humanitarian aid and assistance and helps in the setting up of expensive international criminal tribunals so as to try the perpetrators of the bloody war so fought. Doesn’t all this thus entail that millions of dollars are spent for the appointment of judges, specialists, social workers, lawyers and peace keepers who eventually earn their living all through the miseries of the people who have been nothing but victims of the greed of those who care nothing about innocent human lives but just on the aspects of filling their deep pockets.

Why is it then that the UN and other developed nations (which happen to be the largest suppliers of arms in the world) ever work towards the pre emptive prevention of mass human rights atrocities? Why do then countries like the US and UK encourage Israel to continue its illegal war against Lebanon, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out…guns and F -16s all cost money.. and Israel’s illegal war is nothing but a cash machine running amuck for rogue nations like the ones mentioned above. At the same time and as we all know UN (US’s lill puppy dog) thrives on illegal wars and mass atrocities, ever wondered what would happen to the thousands of handsomely paid UN officials if there was a constant state of peace and prosperity, they would probably sit in their offices in New York and plan the next big atrocity.

Bottom-line... we are all perverse in our thoughts …every NGO, every developed nation... you and me…no one wants world peace... not even the news channels…BBC and CNN would all have to shut shop if there wasn’t a crisis…if there wasn’t a genocide or a sensational crime against humanity or even a war to cover. We as humans survive on this perverse existence and wouldn’t know what to do if we didn’t wake up to blood.