The Eyes of a Killer...

28th November 2005

The more I have thought bout writing this... the more I have been dissuaded from doing so....there are and were enough unanswered questions…back then and they still exist in all their glory....

Back Ground
I was not born to be a lawyer... I guess no one was...except for Ram Jethmalani and Kapil Sibal... I was born to be a cricketer... (As mentioned in my previous posts)... but when I wasn't even selected in the school team... I gave my whole career option a rethink... and somehow landed in Law School..... it was a loong loong time back now... but the one question that kept coming up again and again... was... dude... will you ever defend a criminal... and I never had an answer and surprisingly I still don't....

Its not like I never thought about it... I did... but my ‘surdi’ brains…never had an answer... finally after years of deliberation... I made a pact to my self...it was more to appease my morals than anything else... I had decided to defend the small time criminals but never the big bad ganstas... or murderers.... but before I knew it... my pact went rolling down a drain and I found my self... facing my first murder trail.

After having spent 4 months in criminal litigation...I realized it was a bad bad world out there... a world I had seen in some C grade Hindi movies... (Truck Driver Suraj, starring Mithun da)... a world that always excited me... a world that always scared me... and before I knew it I stood face to face with it....Most of my clients in the first 4 months were petty thief's.... accused of allegedly stealing.. car stereos... spare parts from trucks... tool kits from bikes... there was nothing moral about defending them... they were poor and all needed money (at least I made my self believe that)... so I had no qualms defending them.... I didn't own a car or a stereo system...a bike or a tool kit... or even a truck...to be scared to be one of their victims... I knew I was making the world an unsafe place by getting all these kids or guys back on the streets..... but I loved my job... and it was a high... it was better than dope... (maybe not).... but it was a high alright....

Then one morning... everything changed....my boss handed me a file... it was blue... looked completely harmless....( I only got the case coz she had issues she needed to deal with( construe that as liberally as possible) but all the same I was excited as hell.. yeah it was a murder case...and my first.. I left the file on my table... and left for court... not thinking bout it all day... I left it for my special evening moment... the day passed me by even before I knew it...evening dawned upon me and so did the impending file... I was excited and scared... it was more like the feeling ya have before going out for a date with a really hot chic... yes that harmless blue file was turning me on...

The sun was setting over Bombay... it was a decently cool November evening...I was sitting alone in my cubicle....listening to U2...waiting for my coffee to boil...and my cig to light... and all the while my gaze fixed on blue file.. and the mystery inside it... I was dying to pick it up... but my coffee had to boil... and I had to be high on nicotine... it was like foreplay...

Sipping my terribly brewed black coffee and smoking my third cig... I finally did pick up the file....it was electric...and then my life changed...(again)....I slowly perused through the file... taking every word in slowly... sipping the words like an exotic French wine...ya it felt great.. till I came across the FIR... this dude had been accused of not one murder but 2 ... and they weren't like ya everyday murders... they were ghastly...they were grotesque...I wanted to throw up... and I almost did after reading it...the taste of French wine had suddenly changed to some shady country liquor... (I actually did throw up....) it was too much for me to fathom that someone could actually do this... some one who was only 15. I was sick as hell....I couldn't handle this... I couldn't do this case... what about my morals... I was in tears...this was beyond me... naaa... I kept telling my self... am handing this file back... am not doing this I am not defending this dude.... but...could I actually just let this go.. what if he had reasons... what if there was a genuine motive behind the murders... what if.... but still. this was too ghastly... what would my mum say... what would the world say... what would all my friends say... all those people who asked again and again... WOULD I DEFEND THE GUILTY????.. but maybe he hadn't done it... maybe he was innocent... maybe it was not him... what if he was framed... too many questions. and as usual no answers...

I was the last to leave office that night... it was dark and I was scared.... I really was... what if someone came out of the dark... and badgered me to death...it was a possibility... and this was freaking me out... this blue file had SCREWED ME OVER... even the train journey back.. was a nightmare... I kept looking over my shoulder... I was freaked out to say the least... the fear was real and cold....what if someone was waiting for me at home to kill me... ya I was paranoid.. at least I didn't have to worry about my kid being killed... I had none... (I swear... I still don't... for all those people who believe that I have a few coz of my promiscuous past)....

That was one of my worst nights I spent in my house... nothing helped... the cheap whisky....the nicotine... retrospectively dope could have helped... but I had none... I couldn't sleep...even Cricket on Espn was no help... arghhhh I was being eaten alive....that blue file... I had to get it off my head.....but.....

A few light years later I was back on a train... the 7:14 from Vashi to V.T.... luckily I was not alone... there were a million others on the train with me... and suddenly they all looked like killers.... I was surrounded by murderers... I had officially gone bonkers my then... I hadn’t shaved... (not like I shaved everyday)... my famous white shirt was as white as ever... (RIN KE SAFEDI)....
I needed a closure... I wanted the case off my back.... I wanted to get to office as soon as possible... but everything was running in slow motion...

My luck was running out... I couldn't get a cab from the train station to office... so I walked it.... then the freaking elevator wasn't working... just not my day I guess... even the coffee tasted like shit from down town Dongri... my interns faced the brunt of my frustration.. even Zubee (my secretary) got hell....

Finally madam walked into office at 11... lazy as hell and lost in her own lill world... I knew what she had on her mind... and it so wasn't that blue file...

I walked up to her even before she could light her navy cut... I was like the lamb before the wolf... I begged her to take case of my arse... but obviously she refused... in fact she had a surprise in store for me... a meeting with the dude in the afternoon... he was in custody and i had to go and meet him... I DIDN'T WANNA MEET HIM... MY HANDS WERE SHAKING... I was gonna meet the guy who had probably done all this shit... I threw a tantrum... I almost got fired... but...I was finally forced to continue...

Lunch was the same....I ate really slow... I ate a lot... I didn't wanna go... but... finally the time came... it was 3 pm... the November sun... was bright as ever... and my state of mind bleak as hell... the long walk to the observation home was a torture.... my white shirt had already lost its color... I was sweating as hell... I had my intern to give me company... but it didn't help... she was hot... but it all didn't matter.... nothing mattered....

3:37 pm... I was sitting in a room... just three chairs a table and a squeaky fan... the silence was deafening... I was dying to smoke... but I couldn't... (it wasn't allowed...) my intern sat fidgeting with the pen... I couldn't stop tapping the table.... and fuck that fan made too much noise.....

3:42 pm... the dude finally walked in... he was around 5 feet 6 inches tall. he wore an old white shirt and blue shorts (the uniform for juvenile offenders)... he was fair.... his hair combed back. I stood up and shook his hands.... and that's when I looked into his eyes... they were cold... there was something about them... it was scary.... he sat across of me... the table and the blue file separating us...

3:53 pm... we started talking.... the usual... hope the cops aren't beating ya... the food is good... and then I popped the question... DID YOU DO IT? there was silence again... it lasted for an eternity...now I really wanted to break that fan... and then he opened his mouth... looked me in the eyes... and said YES!!!!!!! he had done it... committed two cold blooded murders... YES HE HAD DONE IT... he was not innocent... he was guilty... but I couldn't decide that... the court had to do that... but in my mind he was guilty as hell.... I didn't know what to do.... I was only there coz he couldn't afford a lawyer and someone had to provide him with legal aid... his constitutional right... right to legal aid... I was there coz he couldn't get a lawyer..... I was torn.....

Months later... even today I can’t forget those eyes... eyes which showed no remorse for what he had done... maybe he didn't understand any of it... maybe he was too young... I kept telling my self Mehak this is your job... you have to do it... you have to defend him......

My morals had taken a beating... I didn't tell any of my friends... I couldn't... I was a bastard for doing this wasn't I??? maybe all of ya would say the same... but it was my job and someone had to do this..... and I yes I defended him in court...... and yes... months later I got him off... YES DAMN IT I GOT HIM OFF... the evidence was too weak... it was all circumstantial... after four months of trail.... the dude walked out scot free.... he was a murderer and he walked out scot free.. I proved it... I proved that he was innocent... how could I....was I guilty of murder. too... maybe ... I hate my self for what I did... some part of me does... but then that's life.... I sat across a murderer... his eyes... his cold remorseless eyes....and I won the case... but I lost my morals... my ethics... I lost my innocence... I became a bastard.... I became a murderer.....