Letting Go…

24th June 2006

The moment of truth... as I sit here... the warm evening breeze... the calm sea... or so it pretends to be... dark clouds at the edge of the horizon... this is gonna be a long night... or maybe somewhere along the way.. The alcohol will get to me... and i am not sure what would be better...
This stone bench its cold ...and an hour into this evening my butts sore already but do I really care... its my butt for crying out loud...that's its job... the suns going down over the Arabian sea... Bombay is coming to life... the sea is strewn with lill shimmering lights... the boats... the islands in the distance.. The wee light house ...its there... alone it stands in the midst of all the chaos... orange clouds streak the greying sky... the birds are on their way home( and i am not even sure if Bombay has any birds left.. maybe the birds in my wee brain are going home). Really what am I doing here? Two packs of smokes and enough money in my pocket to get me hammered... guess should be enough to get me through this ordeal. Why am I doing this to my self... its torture but of a different kind... its just me my smokes.. my cheap alcohol and loads of memories to drown. Maybe that's what I am doing here... trying to drown not my sorrows but my memories...

Every min of my life passes me by... it seems like I am dying... the alcohol helps... and the cig eases the pain... letting go... is the toughest bit of it all... i sit here... alone... lost... a soul without a purpose.. my loneliness my solace my only peace.. images flash by bringing with it a pain unimaginable.. thoughts of how i could change it all.. every bit of it.. all in an instant.. i am scared to open my eyes.. coz then reality will seep in... and i know i lost it all... and i could give up everything(not like i have anything left to give) to change it all... but i cant...

Its dark...lill pearls hover in the dark distant sea... fresh faces give me company on the near by tables... the big noisy pedestal fan brings relief from the evening heat.. the cold beer makes me wanna throw it all back.. but that's at a risk of letting go of this moment... this is my moment o peace and i am not gonna let a bottle of beer steal my thunder.( and i hate beer)
The skies light up.... i can hear the thunder in the distance.. monsoons are just a step away.. i can smell the rain.. but i cant see or feel it.. soon.. this lill island will be submerged.. chaos shall loom large... dirt and filth shall reign supreme.. the poor and the homeless shall suffer.. the rich shall sit in their patios and enjoy the breeze... lill naked kids will dance in the rain.. pandemonium shall break loose... Bombay will be born again.. but what about me...will i be born ....again.??..4 hours into this night i am still not sure.. am already 6 beers down ( i feel sick) and am on my last cig from the first pack... and i haven't gone too far... this whole task seems fruitless and mundane... but i have another 6 hours to sunrise.. so there is hope....
Maybe i should switch to coffee.. strong and black and sweet... maybe i will.. too much beer never really helped anyone.. and i wished they served whiskey.. or maybe even a cranberry breezer..but breezers are like poison to me.. they bring back the pain i am trying to bury here..
The first drops of rain...cold like ice.. pure like a baby's smile.. i don't want shelter.. i want the rain to wash away all those memories.. good and bad... all of them.. i don't want to live with them anymore...as i sit there letting the rain drops do their lill dance all over me.. it all comes back to me.. every bit of it... like a freight train it hits me bang across my chest.. leaves me gasping for air... i wanted to die... but i didn't...i just sat there.. smoking my cig in the rain.. sipping on a mixture of ice cold rain and stale beer...

I was cold, wet and shivering...... the rain fell relentless, the waiters refused to serve me any more alcohol.. not coz i was hammered.. but just coz no one wanted to step out in the rain.. they were mad... who would wanna stay away from the rain..( aright maybe i was a wee loony.. but who cared a fuck) Sitting so far up.. i could feel i could touch the sky.... the sea looked angry and dawn was only a few minutes away.

Had i healed? did i manage to bury the ghosts from the past.. i didn't know... the skies were clearing and so was my mind...there was light in the sky but darkness still loomed large within....and i was on my last cig... i had lost count of the beers i had downed.. and rightly so i felt sick.. but i was a wee relived.. i had managed to spend a night... where it all started... there were tears...i was slowly letting go.. letting go of....the past... or maybe not...