Do you Really want to be me? Read this…

Now why would you want to be me? Really think about it… even God would wonder about his Blunder of all blunder’s... creating me. Maybe he woke up on the wrong side of his bed.. I am sure He is shaking his Holy Head right now.. and hasn’t stop doing the same since the Christmas of 1979…

Over the years I have made my self believe I am an enigma… a work of art... and everything else that goes with being great… but seriously its all crap…all of it… every bit of it.

Well I have spent a considerable part of my life traveling… as a kid I was always accompanied by an elder (like most of us) and it was never an issue... I was a sweet though grumpy kid... to get me to smile was always a sterling effort... and by the time I was eight the world including my folks had given up on me…but then I grew up(damn!!!)… and as luck would have it... I started smiling (it was actually all the alcohol and drugs I consumed) but that came at a huge price (not the drug and alcohol consumption)... a price I am paying till date and probably always will… well… the problem or the price I paid was that I started looking like a terrorist… I don’t know what it was… some said it was the eyes ;dark and evil... others said it was the chin; blunt and ugly... though most concluded that it was the goatee…my trademark evil goatee I am extremely proud off.( it’s better than any of Van Gogh’s work)
The affects of the same never dawned upon me till I started traveling alone… trust me it’s a nightmare… a living nightmare and there are times I just want to lock my self and never step out...

Actually its funny in a twisted way… probably it gives me sadistic pleasure watching people look at me suspiciously anywhere and everywhere I go... its fun and these days I play this game of counting the number of people I managed to scare(on my last trip to Edinburgh I lost count at 4693)… I mean I could be anywhere... on an underground in Glasgow or London or on a bus to Edinburgh... people around me tend to distant themselves… maybe its me.. Maybe it’s my wee blue knapsack…their eyes say it all... the fear is real... I resemble the perfect candidate to carry out Uncle Osama’s devious plans….in people’s eyes I am a walking talking suicide bomber.

It gets worse at airports… recently. At Amsterdam I was categorically asked… Sir... how can you prove to us that you are not linked to a terrorist organization?…WHAT!!??!! The expression on my face was priceless... I mean really how you do you prove that…not like I had a hotline number to Uncle Osama who could vouch for my innocence... and then this other time where among a thousand people who got off a boat from Belfast I was the only one pulled aside and almost strip searched…
Frankly this happens to me even in my own country…once at Bombay airport, my Knapsack and I were randomly searched on four separate occasions, despite me having cleared all the security checks.

All this comes at a price... I have to make sure my bags have nothing that’s going to get me into trouble... I have stopped carrying nail cutters even a toothbrush (trust me it’s been confiscated once) (don’t worry I still brush my teeth twice a day… and now I have one from almost every country I have stepped foot in. Further-still I have stopped running… I killed the athlete in me years back.. a constant fear of what happened to Mr. Meneses in London last year, forced me to commit that cold blooded murder.

And this aint the case only when I am flying... even years back when I was in law school and a poor broke student (nothing much has changed since then) who used to take a second class train back home( 28 hour journey..) once every 6 months I was invariably asked to open my bags by the cops on those dreadfully long train rides..( all they ever found was dirty underwear and torn books). There was even this time back in 2001 when I was pulled off a train at one of the stations and detained for 3 hours coz I resembled a terrorist.. I aint joking… its hell to be... and I am sure hell would be a safer place.(or so I presume)
Now most of you would say... shave that goatee damnit… trust me I have tried all of that… shaved goatee... clean shirt… smart trousers… shiny shoes… nothing works... I still get pulled up… I could be in a Versace for all they care... and I can bet my last bottom dollar I would still be pulled up picked up and profiled...
What scares me the most is what might happen to me when I eventually die... are they going to strip search me at the gates of hell (heaven’s had its gates shut on me for the longest time…) I know it sounds presumptuous... But a letter from God (attached herewith) cleared all my doubts.


18th August 2004

To,
Mehak Sethi
Resident Earth

Dear Son,
FYI*
I regret to inform you, that due to the increase in the number of terrorists being sent to Heaven and the continuous nuclear threats from Bush, we are unable to grant entry to any terrorist or terrorist look-alike till the year 2098. In case you happen to kick the bucket before 31st December 2098**, you might have to make alternative arrangements. Given the current circumstances you are advised to proceed directly to the gates of Hell, where your case might be considered and entry could or would be allowed***.
Wishing you all the best.

Signed
God

*(Statutory Warning I hate these 3 letters put together.. they are always the bearer of bad news… be it God or my ex girlfriend… they have both used it to inform me that either I am being dumped or refused entry into Heaven.. hence pay heed to the warning and abstain from using these 3 letters ever.. otherwise I might have to kill you.)

** Right what’s He thinking…does He want to torture me further by making me want to live till the over ripe(almost rotten) age of 119…just what I need don’t you think?.. I am sure to be better off in Hell.

*** Who ever thought the Man above lacked a sense of humor may please revert to the last line of his letter addressed to me.. He makes hell sound like a night club…( So really if that being the case, what do I need to be granted entry? A hot date or loads of cash.(now, if I die today.. I wouldn’t know where ill go.. coz I have neither..)

So well that’s me… and I hope I have convinced all to re think their plans of ever being me or stepping into my shoes… for the time being.. I got a bus to catch and a game to play….